What Next For The Ladies Of Girls Aloud?
The process of a pop group disbanding is very similar to the gradual disintegration of a once-wonderful love affair.
It starts with a few missed appointments, then a couple of sudden solo holidays, followed by dates with other people, startling weight loss on your part, thanks to an inability to hold down food. Then eventually you’re left in a metaphorical sand-holding situation, in which the sand represents your love, and yet it appears to be flowing through your fingers at an ever-quickening rate.
Eventually, in your heightened state of mania, you notice that the sand has gone. There’s nothing there. It’s over. And rather embarrassingly, your partner has moved on, and appears to be actually marrying someone else. When did all of that happen?
Anyway, all of this leads completely seamlessly to the popular all-girl group, Girls Aloud. In egg timer terms, the consensus this week is that time is running out – over 50 per cent of them are going solo, and four of them are really bloody thin. Basically, it’s finished. So what next for these glamorous young women? Read on and you’ll find out…
Cheryl Tweedy/ColeDon’t be fooled into thinking that Cheryl Cole is going to go stratospheric. Yes, she’s the first one out of the traps, but remember the tale of the hare and the tortoise? To refresh your memory, about twelve years ago a talking hare challenged a local tortoise to a race, and the tortoise won! That’s about all we can remember. Anyway, the moral of the story is that Cheryl Cole might just be a talking hare dressed up as a woman. Or it might be ‘don’t challenge tortoises to a race’. To be honest, what that analogy actually means, no one knows. But take heed, Cheryl! Take big heed.
Nadine CoyleIf there is going to be a Gary Barlow/Robbie Williams style face-off, then this will be it. In group terms, Coyle is lead singer/king, but when it comes to Simon Cowell career endorsement, Cole is on the front foot. History dictates that Nadine will need to rely on a mixture of raw talent and fluctuating weight loss to come out on top here, and she’s already cleverly ticked one of those boxes. Plus, word has it that she’s done some work with William Orbit, and everyone knows that he’s cooler than a carton of smokey joes sitting atop a leather jacket. One to watch.
Sarah HardingSarah Harding, you might remember, is also a wonderful actress. She’s been in everything from St Trinian’s to St Trinian’s II: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold. In between each tour du force, she appeared as an over-acting woman scorned in a television film about the credit crunch. If the brief were ‘be a really bad actress’, then she should have got a BAFTA. As it is, once the girls go their separate ways, she can squodge all twelve of her lovely fingers into as many pies as possible. Acting – check. Singing – check. Presenting – check. A reality television programme – check… you probably get the gist of this.
Ginger OneFor those who don’t know, the flame-haired one actually has a name – she’s called Nicola Roberts or something. And, in real life, away from the spotlight, Nicola has been busily attempting to create a make-up range specifically for girls whose skin starts to bubble and ooze the very minute they come in contact with the sun. The word on the street is that what this lady doesn’t know about make-up probably isn’t worth knowing. An expert on eye smudge, cheek paints, colourful lip marmite, and the rest. A businesswoman.
The other oneYes, there is another one. In this case, that other one is Kimberly Walsh. Her role in the band – to mime and look pretty. You see, unfortunately for Kimberly, when the good Lord was crafting her voice box, he/she became muddled, and put in that of a Yorkshire farmer. Hence, when she sings, she sounds a bit like someone from Emmerdale Farm clumsily impersonating Michael Jackson. A hunch suggests that somewhere in the north of England, a twenty-something stable boy entertains the cows at night with his startling Aguilera vocal renditions. No more singing/miming for Walsh. She’ll vanish.
SourceWaow. 
